In the Darkness
by Quetzalcoatls
Summary: Theres a difference between being told something and experiencing it yourself.Ichigo thought he understood that the Final Getsuga would destroy his powers,but he didn't truly understand what that meant and what it would do to him until it was far to late
1. Desolation

**Desolation**

Quetzal- hello! This can be considered a part of "Down Time" if you want, but its mostly a stand alone thing. It always annoyed me that ichigo never seemed to have suffered any from loosing Zangetsu. He's a part of Ichigo's soul its not like loosing him just left him back where he started before meeting Rukia. Zangetsu had always been there and loosing him would be like cutting off a limb somewhat. You don't just walk away from that kind of trauma like its a skinned knee.

Summery - Theres a difference between being told something and experiencing it, ichigo thought he understood that the Final Getsuga would destroy his powers, but he didn't truly understand what that meant and what it would do to him until it was far to late

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Ichigo had known objectively that he would loose Zangetsu, and he had thought that he would be able to deal with it, but looking back, he hadn't understood in the least what he was about to do to himself. Tensa Zangetsu had understood far better then him what loosing the spirit was going to do to him, it had been why he had fought so hard to stop him, and why was truly willing to hurt him if thats what it took. In the end however Ichigo's ignorance and stubbornness had won out, but they both understood that there was really no choice everyone else had tired and failed, if they didn't do this they would die anyway. Ichigo just hadn't understood that there were things so _much _worse than death. For that first week after feeling Zangetsu fade away the sheer agony of loosing him had almost done him in, but he had pushed on refusing to give in to the pain. Even then he had thought he could handle it, but after just three weeks ichigo was on the verge of killing himself because he couldn't stand the silence anymore. Only Isshin proving for once that he _did_ have an iota of common sense kept Ichigo from ending his own life that day. Ichigo had cried himself to sleep in his fathers arms for the first time since he was 9 when Isshin had stopped him.

His father hadn't said anything, knowing that telling him he would be alright wouldn't help, because they both knew he wouldn't be. Isshin was the only person that had any true idea of what Ichigo was going through. Sure the others knew objectively that loosing ones zanpakotou was the most terrible thing that could befall a shinigami, but they didn't _know_. Isshin had been cut off from Engetsu for years after they had used a much less powerful version of Mugetsu, the only thing that had kept him alive was Masaki and the knowledge that Engetsu wasn't _gone_ just too weak to even be felt by him. But Zangetsu would not be coming back under his and Ichigo's own power, nor was there any known way to bring back Ichigo's power and the blade that was a part of his soul. Isshin could only hope that Kisuke came up with something and soon. They both had no illusions of Ichigo being able to last more then a year or two in this state with no hope. It killed him to watch his son go back to something resembling normal for a few minutes only for something to remind the teen of the silence in his own mind. Ichigo's eyes would hold a look of such agony for an instant that whoever was talking to him would recoil in horror.

A little over a year and half a dozen more suicide attempts later, and Isshin knew instantly that something was up when Ichigo walked into the house with that glint in his eyes and faint smirk on his face. He had actually given the girls a real smile and punched him in the face when he had taken an experimental swing at him. Oh yes he was going to be interrogating Kisuke later, he knew the mad scientist had finally had a lead on something to bring Zangetsu back, but it was still at least a week or two away from being even remotely usable. There was no way Kisuke had told Ichigo, he had been adamant about not giving him false hope. Honestly, sometimes he had to wonder if Kisuke had forgotten that Ichigo wasn't actually the crazy scientists own son.

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Quetzal - And if that wasn't depressing enough for you I might have pneumonia again! Joy. Hopefully it wont get to the point again where the doctors going to look at me seriously and tell me I have a 50/50 chance of dieing if I don't take my meds (not fun). Then again I might just have a cold, but considering all I'v got is that same deep hacking cough from before and nothing else I think I'm going to err on the side of caution. Me thinks a little paranoia is forgivable ^_^

the next part of "Down Time" Doctors Orders should be up in a few days and it will be distinctly more cheery than this.


	2. Despair

Quetzal - well Desolation has been expanded on finally. This as well as the two drabbles to follow occur over the course of Desolation which is from Isshin's point of view. Ill probably post part 3 tomorrow it needs a few tweaks before I put it up and part four needs another page before its done. (for those of you here because you want news on Snow point the next chapter should be up no later then Monday. It was originally going to go up today but its just not quite there yet.)

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**Despair **

Sound the bugle now - play it just for me

As the seasons change - remember how I used to be

Now I can't go on - I can't even start

I've got nothing left - just an empty heart

_Sound the Bugle : Bryan Adams_

x x x

Three months. Three month since he made the worst decision of his short life. The gaping black hole in his soul couldn't be ignored, it couldn't be forgotten, it was forever.

He would never again doubt the truth of 'you don't know what you have until you've lost it' Zangetsu was gone, and all because he wasn't strong enough to get rid of Aizen without destroying himself in the process. He hadn't even been able to kill the bastard, just knock him down long enough for Urahara's kido to finally work.

And hadn't that just been salt in the wound? Idiot. If only Kisuke had said something about his kido. The power he had when he left the dangai had been immense, and he may have known when Aizen had evolved that last time that he didn't have the power to kill him, but hurt him enough for that spell to work? Maybe, just maybe he could have done it.

He could have pulled on everything he had short of his trump card, and ripped the bastard apart, he could have done it. He KNEW it, if anything that certainty just made it hurt still more. He'd given everything. Everything. And in the end, it hadn't been necessary to go that far. Zangetsu had realized that at the same moment he had. Kisuke had gone and told Aizen about the spell he had planted early in the fight, and the hope that Ichigo would be able to knock him down far enough for it to work. Zangetsu had told him it was alright, but it WASN'T ALRIGHT! He wanted to hate Kisuke so much for that, but he couldn't, just like he couldn't tell the bastard that his fate was completely unnecessary if he would have just explained his god damn plan for once.

Now he had nothing, not even what he'd started with.

x x x

Quetzal - short and sad. On the upside this story does have a happy ending in part 4


	3. Dream

Quetzal - ok so maybe this is done now, part 4 will be up tomorrow provided I don't choke to death on the fluff. ^-^

Sum - What does 'real' mean anyways?

**Dream**

x x x

I went to bed, I was thinking about You

I ain't the same since I'm living without You

All the memories are getting colder

All the things that I wanna do over

I went to bed I was thinking about You

I wanna talk and laugh like we used to

When I see You in my dreams at night

It's so real but it's in my mind

And now, I guess, this is as good as it gets

_Don't Wake Me - Skillet_

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Ichigo could only stare in dumb shock when he opened his eyes and found himself in his inner world. Urahara had told him that without his power, he wouldn't be able to reach his this place, with or without Zangetsu there. How the hell was this possible? Were his powers coming back?

"Ichigo?" A puzzled voice asked behind him. Ichigo's heart nearly stopped, he spun around and spotted that familiar black cloak. He practically teleported to Zangetsu's side, all but tackling him in a hug. Zangetsu wrapped an arm around ichigo shoulders still looking a bit confused. Zangetsu looked down at Ichigo with a faint frown, Ichigo didn't see it though, to busy clinging to the spirit. A look of realization crossed the zanpakotou's face, he closed his eyes, silently cursing the fact that this had happened.

"This isn't real Ichigo." Zangetsu said tiredly looking down at him, Ichigo blinked in confusion.

"But...how...why not?" He asked confused not releasing his hold on the spirit. Zangetsu closed his eyes pained at the confusion and fear in Ichigo's own.

"It's just a dream ichigo." He answered Ichigo gave him blank look.

"No, its not." He argued Zangetsu sighed

"Yes, Ichigo, it is."

"NO!" Ichigo clung all the tighter, burring his face in the black cloak like a child hiding from monsters in the night, refusing to to admit the inevitable. Zangetsu sighed an ran a hand through Ichigo's hair.

"Anything is possible in a dream Ichigo, but that does not mean this is real." He tried to explain.

"Don't care." Was the slightly muffled response.

"Ichigo..." He trailed off with a sigh.

"Even if it is a dream.." Ichigo finally spoke haltingly pulling away enough to look up at zangetsu's face. "You're here now, does it really matter?"

"It will only hurt more when you wake up." Zangetsu tried to reason, Ichigo just gave him one of his rare smiles.

"And for now at least, it doesn't hurt at all." He answered, Zangetsu sighed softly and shook his head. Ichigo didn't understand, he wasn't back, nor was this version of him real. Odd really, to know that your not real. Under normal circumstances a dream wouldn't really be aware of being a dream, but the line between reality and dreams could bend with matters of the soul like this. He was more real then a normal dream, but that still didn't mean he _was _truly real. Ichigo was right about one thing though, for now the teen could escape the pain, even if just for a little while. Real or not, he couldn't deny Ichigo that.

x x x

Quetzal - if ichigo seems a bit 'young' in this know its intentional. He suicidal and suddenly zan is back. Denial is the name of the game and dreams aways make people act a bit...off.


	4. Dauntless

Quetzal - well heres part four and our happy ending ^_^

**Dauntless**

Something missing, left behind

Search In circles, every time I try

I've been here before, yeah

I'v seen you before

_These Walls - Trapt_

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Ichigo was barely aware of Rukia or anyone else the moment the power exploded from the blade into his soul. Time halted and the world blacked out. An instant later he was standing in the sideways city in his soul for the first time in ages, he was utterly still, almost afraid to hope. _"Ichigo?_" A voice behind him asked quietly sounding just as shocked as him. Ichigo was frozen, he couldn't forget that dream, almost as terrible as wonderful, to have had him back, if only for a few hours.

Hesitant footsteps echoed though the empty buildings as the apparition behind him walked up to him, a hand lightly touched his shoulder, familiar reiatsu curling around him._ "Ichigo?"_ He asked again Ichigo shuddered and Zangetsu tugged lightly forcing him to turn around. The black cloak and sunglass were the same as he remembered them. Concerned blue eyes watching him from behind the orange lenses.

"Zan?" He asked finally terrified that he was going to wake up any second, the whole situation had seemed like a bad dream. First Ginjou and then everyones memories being altered, he wasn't sure what was real anymore. Zangetsu sighed softly and tugged him forward into a hug, ichigo didn't resist, allowing himself to be pulled into the embrace. Zangetsu's reiatsu wrapped around them like a blanket. That couldn't be faked, not even by a dream. Ichigo finally broke down crying silently clinging to the black cloak. Zangetsu closed his eyes cursing himself for ever letting Ichigo use the final Getsuiga, they may have died if they hadn't, but at least Ichigo wouldn't have suffered as much. He could see everything his wielder had gone through in the year and a half it had taken for the shinigami to figure out a solution, and knew for certain what the others had only suspected, another month, probably less, and ichigo would have died even with his fathers intervention. A few minutes passed and Ichigo had finally stopped shaking, now only clinging to his cloak like it was the only thing that mattered.

_"Ichigo?"_ Zangetsu asked quietly keeping his reiatsu coiled tightly around them, it seemed to help a bit as Ichigo straightened, pulling away but not letting go of his cloak.

"I thought you were never coming back," He said quietly

_"I am back now though."_ He answered with a faint smile.

"Im not just dreaming this again, am i?" Ichigo asked after a moment.

_"Its not a dream, ichigo. And I do remember that night, as well as everything else."_ Ichigo blinked in confusion.

"Wait but if it wasn't real.. How can you remember it?" Zangetsu sighed, a faint smile on his face.

_"Everything you know, I do as well, ichigo. I remember what happened as you do, rather then as myself."_ Ichigo was silent.

"Everything?" he asked after a moment, his expression blank.

_Yes ichigo, everything. And if you ever try to kill yourself again..."_ He trailed off, a warning expression on his face. Ichigo winced, embarrassed.

"Sorry." He muttered. Zangetsu sighed and pulled ichigo close to him again.

_"As much as it upsets me, Ichigo, I do understand."_ He let Ichigo cling to him for a few moments longer before pulling away. Ichigo looked at him in confusion.

"Zan?" He asked puzzled and worried. Zangetsu smirked slightly.

_"As much as I wish we could spend the next week here, Ichigo. I believe you have a battle to be getting to. Will you let those fools get away with tricking you?"_

"Tricking me?" Ichigo echo before giving Zangetsu a lopsided smile, the fire starting to come back to his eyes. "They never tricked me Zan, I'm not stupid, I knew they wanted something. I may not have known what at first, but I didn't go into that thinking they were simply helping me out of the goodness of their hearts." Zangetsu raised an eyebrow, oh he knew Ichigo wasn't half as stupid as he liked to make people think, but he hadn't had a chance to go through all 2 years of memories yet.

_"Indeed. Now get going. You don't want to leave your friends waiting do you?"_ He asked. Ichigo grinned and nodded sharply before fading out of his mind. He opened his eyes back in reality to see a dust cloud that was beginning to settle. The comforting weight of Zangetsu's blade in his hand made him smirk darkly, he flared his reiatsu forcing the dust away. Zangetsu's reiatsu curled around him tightly as he stared at Ginjou, his face expressionless. Zangetsu chuckled darkly.

"_Well? What are you waiting for, Ichigo?"_ Ichigo let a smirk slip onto his face, Ginjou took a step back, looking uncertain. Ichigo charged, Zangetsu cutting through the air before him.

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Quetzal - annnd thats it! This is done now I should think, but it is part of a series so you might see more in the future from this.


End file.
